Write your anger away…

Dear DayQuil,

Why do you hate me?  All I wanted was to breathe clearly and not cough all day long.  All I wanted was to be halfmy usual spunk and have the ability to speak sans frog in throat.  What did taking the red pill get me?  I find myself speaking baby babble while my thoughts sift through a meth withdrawal haze of pure confusion.  Every time I blow my nose, my sinuses make a high pitched ‘eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh’ sound and my eyeball bleeds.  My ears are growing cotton and my mouth tastes like earwax.  Thank you DayQuil.  You have made this day very pleasant.  Instead of sleeping on my couch watching another episode of ‘Storage Wars’, I stand in my office slowly dipping to the floor in a heroin nod.  You the man.

Xoxo-  Katharinethis snots for you Houston, Brooklyn, NY

**************

Dear NYC Straphangers,

I call upon you this 4th day of the eighth month of the 2011th year of this calendar on my wall, to stand with me against those who defile our noses!  We who silently agree to stand back to back, nose to pit and knee to crotch with those whom commute at our same hour each day have had enough!  No, I speak not of the soupy body odor that guy with the short sleeves emits while holding his arm up.  I speak of a simpler evil.  We of the olfactory sensitive stand before the accused, grasping the pole while thumbing our smart phones pleading with you for one thing… Eat when you get off the train!!  I do not mean to harass those famished or claiming hypoglycemia.  Snack on some quiet fruit. Feel free to nosh on a granola bar. Close your teeth round yon trans fatty chocolate candy yum-yum.  These are all non-invasive food types and we bestow them upon you.  What we ask for is simple.  We think you would enjoy these morsels all the more if you were not traveling in an enclosed tube with some 400 people hovering around you.  So actually, we are doing you a favor by requesting that No eggs, No McDonalds and No take out Chinese should be eaten while on the subway.   Chant with me, fellow Straphangers!  Chant so that we might get the message through!

No eggs, No McDonalds and No take out Chinese!

No eggs, No McDonalds and No take out Chinese!

And if you can’t stop yourself from eating said food on the train, for fuck’s sake, close your mouth when you chew.

Xoxo-  Katharineyour Chinese take out smells like diarrhea Houston, Brooklyn, NY

***************

Dear MTA,

Fuck you. Sorry, that came out wrong. Fuh-huk You.  That is all.

Xoxo- Katharine raise the fair price again and I’ll cut you Houschmitzermen, Bronxlyn, NY

4 responses

  1. sabrinav

    First of all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGTVr-LFec4

    Second of all:

    Dear Me,

    That all-natural crystal deodorant you have doesn’t work. It’s about as effective as rubbing a rock on a piece of Limburger cheese and wishing that the cheese would stop smelling bad. I just thought I should be the first to tell you. (Am I too late?)

    Also, please stop saying that you are 5’5″. You have always been and will always be 5’4.5″. You are not fooling anyone with your lies.

    My best,

    Sabrina L. Veroczi (the “L” is for Limburger Baby)

    August 4, 2011 at 11:42 pm

  2. graylex

    Dear John,

    By the time you read these lines, I’ll be gone.

    Love,
    Judd Hirsch’s Career

    August 24, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    • Katharine Houston

      Star-nosed mole, Gray. Star-nosed mole.

      August 25, 2011 at 8:24 am

  3. graylex

    AIIIIIGH!!!!! My eyes!!!

    August 25, 2011 at 9:25 am

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