$5 a Day is a earnest road-trip movie about a son’s reconciliation with his grifter father. The film opens with a classic Screenwriting 101 twist of fate: Just after our protagonist, Ritchie Flynn (Alessandro Nivola) gets fired from his job as a Health Inspector, his girlfriend (Amanda Peet) dumps him. This conveniently frees up his schedule for a wacky cross-country drive with Nat (the one and only Christopher Walken), his father, a con man from Atlantic City who claims to be dying. Along the way they come to understand each other, they scam various salesmen, and they hang out with Flynn’s old babysitter (an uncomfortably tan Sharon Stone).
So first of all, let me say that Amanda Peet is very good at seeming fed up. I have seen at least 43 movies where Amanda Peet is just miffed at something or other, and I feel pretty secure in saying that I think maybe she actually is just very disappointed as a human being. Or she is a disappointment pretending genius. She gets so fed up, that I feel like I personally, even though I am watching her movie on Netflix a good 5 years after she made it, am somehow watching it in the wrong way and offending her. I feel like I should pack up my bags and just go. Her frustration transcends time and media. Kudos to Amanda Peet. The Scrunchy Onion award goes to her, hands down.
Okay, nextly, let me say that even though I think of Alessandro Nivola as a poor man’s Sam Rockwell, or as the man who is lucky enough to married to Emily Mortimer, he did a pretty good job in this movie. Also, his name is like Tennessee; it had too many of the same letters in it. It makes me feel weird. But Alessandro-ness aside, he really makes Flynn a sympathetic chap, despite the fact that the screenwriters made little effort to provide actual events to explain his personal transformations. Kudos to you, Mr. Nivola. You win the Stoic Carrot award for your strong chin and your independent acting choices.
Now, as I have not yet gotten to the Walken in the room, I will say this about Sharon Stone: Her boobs look very nice, but she is orange. I don’t know if this was a movie-choice or a life-choice, but she has turned herself into an Oompa Loompa. If Orange is the new Black, then Sharon Stone wears overalls and works in a chocolate factory. ‘Nuff said? No Golden Globes for you this time, Ms. Stone. Go polish them orange ones instead.
So, yes. Christopher Walken is in this movie. And, yes, this is why we chose this movie. It’s Christopher Walken!! Not that he doesn’t make some stinkers, but, well, even when he does, it’s still a pleasure to watch. Hell, it’s a pleasure to watch him make a chicken. That said, he is really lovely in this role. He is subtle and detailed in his portrayal of Nat, and doesn’t rely on his affectations or odd mannerisms. He is so simple and honest that this movie is not really successful as a comedy. I’m not really sure it’s successful as a drama either. Walken hits one beautiful note, then sustains it for an hour and a half. One lovely, low note does not make a symphony, although Walken, true to form, dances as if it does. Yes, folks, there is a dance scene. I’m sure the C-Walks demanded it, and I was grateful. Mr. Walken, you win the Tab Award for Best Motorcross Robot built in a painting.
Off-topic, I would like to request that Paul Rudd and Chris Walken dance together in a movie. Hopefully, in a re-make of one of those “Breakin'” movies, where they play leaders of fighting dance gangs.
So, I don’t know, man. I was expecting a pile of poo or a surprising glorious moon, and this movie was neither one of those things. It was a solid, decent movie, but you don’t need to see it. I just don’t think it’s going to surprise you or make you think about anything. If I were you, I would just rent Seven Psychopaths. Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell. Plus, Martin McDonagh wrote it. But, back to $5 a Day. Listen, if we’re rating it on the Booby scale, I would give it two mid-sized boobies in a loose-fitting shirt. Solid, but not stopping traffic.
I get the fact that the father is thrifty (if not just a charming liar), but why is the movie called “$5 a Day.” I mean, I get it. They did strange things to not spend much. But there was no “We have to only spend $5 a day or we are going to A. starve, B. explode or C. turn into green aliens, making this a movie worth Katharine’s time. I mean, how am I supposed to play the “Drink when you hear the movie title” game if they never say it?!
And can we continue to talk about Sharon Stone? I think we can all agree that she is a beautiful lady. But I think you can actually see too much of anyone. Sure, in theory anyone should want to watch Ms. Stone walking around in lingerie. Nope. That theory’s still sound. But why so orange?
I was about to go into a tirade regarding the different hues of tan the character could have be, but then realized that perhaps Ms. Stone is a genius. Her character is in the movie perhaps 20 minutes. Yet, what do we discuss? An orange Stone glowing in lingerie. Brilliant.
So what else do I remember of this film. Hmmm… The performances were good, the story was fine and glowing orange stones. Oh, and a Sweet ‘N Low car. Who I’m assuming sponsored a large portion of this film or at least donated the car.
But, it wasn’t bad. That sounds harsh. It was somewhat enjoyable? There, that’s better. Right? Alex?
Alex: *snorts, raises head from drool pool* Oh, hey! I agree that Alessandro and Chris give pretty earnest, genuine performances. They do their damndest with dialogue has all the novelty and nuance of a Meatloaf song, and politely ignore the blaring incidents of product placement that become monumental distractions from the wafer-thin plot premise (see Kath’s reference to the bright pink vehicle inexplicably plastered with the Sweet ‘n’ Low logo. They drive from New Jersey to Mexico in that thing. Chevron, HoJo’s, and Cadillac also make un-subtle cameo appearances). Sharon Stone shows up to chew some scenery and reprise her creepy cougar role from Broken Flowers (this performance was so similar, in fact, that I kept getting confused and wondering where Bill Murray was. Then again I wonder that while watching a lot of movies).
Some good stuff: I enjoyed the recurring humor of Nat’s black socks (he wears them to bed! and in the ocean!!), and that Richie kept thinking he was dead, and that the entire movie looked like it was shot through an Instagram filter. Plus, it was educational! As a result of watching this film, I know how to grift free room service, steal pubic hair, fake a paternity test, fudge a cancerous X-ray, and piss off my no-good son in the name of a few thousand dollars. I also need to start working the expressions “You’re pure flame!” and “I slept like a polar bear” into my vocabulary. (Imagine them spoken by Christopher Walken – right??) In light of its dubious hits and charming misses, I hereby award $5 A Day my gold-plated “Meh” rating.
Kath: So we all agree!! Here is our “We all agree” photo. Enjoy it more than the movie.
Now go get yourself a little treat, you’ve done some fine work today.
Hey Boys and Girls, this here’s a new feature on the Booby Hatch blog in which we review movies! Films, even! Maybe web shows and banner ads too! Get on board, Space Coasters – OFF WE GO.
Alex: I just wanna begin by saying that I felt sort of robbed by The Château, an odd little gem from 2001. Based on the movie poster (below) I don’t think it was unreasonable to expect a madcap parade of hilarious cultural misunderstandings involving farm life, saucy nudity, and the repeated mispronunciation of French – basically, Benny Hill in Bourgogne. What The Château delivers instead isn’t bad exactly but is certainly…not that.
The film follows Graham Granville (played by Paul Rudd), an aimless fuckup from Lawrence, Kansas and his adopted older brother Alan (or “Rex” as he is known, played by Romany Malco) as they travel from Los Angeles to rural France to claim a castle inherited from a recently-deceased uncle. After overcoming the initial language barrier and the fact that the staff (who still lives in the castle) wasn’t expecting them, Graham and Rex develop a tenuous rapport with Jean, the butler, and Isabelle, the demure maid, but are then saddled with the responsibility of either selling or saving the crumbling home. Rex, a practical neat freak, wants to sell it immediately along with the staff (what?? Are we in feudal France?), presumably to shore up his small business that specializes in “solutions for premature ejaculation” (yeah – not nearly as funny as it sounds). Graham eventually agrees, but closing a sale proves harder than they thought – cue a droll cameo by Donal Logue as un sac de douche Americain interested in buying the property.
“Droll” really is the key word here, in its most literal French sense – the humor is…subtle, hinging on differences between the brothers (Graham leaves his shoes on the train- ha!), between France and America (much is made of Graham’s veganism, which the French clearly don’t “get” – at one point they serve him an entire boar’s head, hair and all), and between the respective languages (the dead uncle’s surname is Leconte – get it?? HOURS OF FUN.) I can say I enjoyed The Château, mostly thanks to Malco and Rudd’s respective charms; it just would have been easier if I hadn’t been expecting National Lampoon’s Gallic Vacation. The entire film is shot in a dim, grainy glow – it reminded me a lot of Watcher in the Woods – and I wouldn’t have been surprised to see an elderly Betty Davis lurking around the castle instead of Isabelle, whose moony eyes started to creep me out. Maybe the cinematographer was trying to set a mood (I get it! The South of France is really brown and twiggy!), but the effect was less “art house comedy” and more “middle-period George Harrison music video”. There are some charming moments, to be sure: Rex yelling “Je suis le roi du château!!” and beatboxing with Isabelle, or every time Rudd attempts to speak French, but overall The Château suffered from a severe international identity crisis. Ladies?
Kath: They had me when Rudd said, “What am I going to do when I get to France?.. Love the ladies!” They lost me by playing bad porn music during the montage of Rudd and Malco driving up to the Chateau. They had me when Rudd started speaking English in a bad French accent since he knew few French words and they used English subtitles anyways. They lost me when Rudd went from charming dork to a cautionary tale you tell your daughters to avoid. I wish I could tell you it ended well, but I don’t actually remember. I blame the wine I drank.
Sabrina: As someone who has stayed in a town near Lawrence, Kansas,* I can assure you that Paul Rudd does a really funny, weird dance-walk as he and the guy who was also in The Forty-Year Virgin stroll through the village in France. Remember when Paul Rudd danced on The Daily Show ? This scene was JUST LIKE THAT, except if the Daily Show studio was a village in France, Jon Stewart was that other guy, and instead of having a really good camera and a professional crew, I just shot it on my iPhone. Totally worth the price of admission!!!!** I laughed; I cried; I doodled a picture of Paul Rudd’s smile on a napkin.
Oh, I can also tell you that it took me about half of the movie to figure out who the other guy (Romany Malco) was. I honestly can’t tell you anything about the first part of the movie at all, because I was too busy yelling, “Wait, who IS that guy? I know him from somewhere!” Finally, my husband told me who he was as he rolled his eyes and finished the last of my peanut-brickled iced cream. It was then I realized that I have become an eighty-year old woman.
So, if you would like to see Paul Rudd do one of his silly and charming dances, and you would like to get in touch with your inner grandmother, I highly recommend watching this movie right away.*** If you would like to see Paul Rudd get his dance on, but want to skip the flick, check this out!
*Kansas City. I do have a friend who lives in Lawrence. I think he just directed The Odd Couple. Now that’s a movie!! Hey, maybe they should just remake The Odd Couple with Paul Rudd and the other guy from this movie.**** I bet that would be pretty good. They should probably get a new camera though. And some lights.
**I watched this movie for free on the Netflix, says this grandmother.
***I just remembered that the end of this movie kind of makes you say, “Wait, hey, why did that happen? That doesn’t make any sense at all.” And then, if you’re me, and/or you are eighty, you will spend the next twenty minutes explaining why that was a terrible way to end the film and going over the 47 reasons why. This is the reason I am no longer allowed to watch Brewster’s Millions or The Money Pit.
****That guy was in Weeds? Yeah, I guess so.
Kath: The Forty-Year Virgin!! THAT’s who that guy is! Jay-z-us, that took years off my life. I still don’t remember how it ends.
Oprah & Ebert-style Book Club G-chat:
Sabrina: So do we want/need a rating system? 3 boobies up?
Kath: That’s a great idea! I give it 1/2 a wormy boob.
Alex: I give it one boob with stretch marks.
Sabrina: I give it two old-lady boobs out of five nice 20-year old boobs. Wait…what’s the scale?
Alex: I thought it was outta three.
Sabrina: Oh, ok, then it’s one old boob.
Alex: But seriously, were you two as confused as I was about like…what the hell kind of movie the director wanted to make?
Sabrina: Was there a director? I thought someone just used a flip cam. Paul Rudd’s wife maybe.
Alex: *puts on research goggles* It was directed by Jesse Peretz, who at the time was best known for directing that Foo Fighters video where they pretend to be in a Mentos commercial? Also THIS, which I will admit to enjoying.
Kath: I don’t “do” links. what is it?
Alex: Our Idiot Brother – Jesse, you’re alright with me. You’re like pizza and funerals. You bring people together.
Kath: The Château had potential… then went wackawoo.
Sabrina: It’s crazy. The butler guy who is his uncle pretends to die, then for SOME reason, this makes them not sell the house and give it to the hot maid, then she goes to Barcelona on a train with her toddler ?????? (oh wait did I just reveal one of the big reveals? not really)
Alex: Yeah, how are we supposed to feel when she takes off? “You go girl”? Cuz I was confused.
Kath: The writer couldn’t figure out how to end it.
Alex: I agree. Or they ran outta money.
Kath: They should have put endings in a hat and just picked one, instead of giving us a wet fart and a handshake. Example: lots of talk about how the black and white dudes were brothers, but no back story.
Sabrina: Yeah. I felt like they thought they could get a lot of mileage out of that hilarious joke.
Alex: Ok, so in a prequel who would play Graham and Rex? Jaden Smith?
Kath: Please no.
Sabrina: And Fred Savage?
Kath: Maaaaaybe his son…if he has one. That dude is our age.
Sabrina: Martin Short, dressed like a kid?
Kath: I vote Martin Short!!!
Alex: Oh sure; Jaden Smith could totally act opposite Martin Short and hold his own.
Sabrina: Does the prequel begin in a karate school or is Peter Falk reading to them?
Kath: Peter Falk is teaching karate!
Alex: Ok, anything else we wanna say about The Château?
Sabrina: *tries to make loud fart noises so that Kath will have to shhh me*
Alex: *begins the ever-popular “armpit fart”* Beans I’m totally editing this into the post.
Sabrina: That’s the stuff! We are the best. I want to marry us.
Kath: *actually farts*
Sabrina stumbles into the frame, holding a tiny man in a space hat.
Sabrina: AAAAAAAAAAAAAALEX!!! Yer space phone’s ringing.
Alex pokes her head into the shot and looks around suspiciously.
Alex: Ahoy ahoy?
Sabrina: How many times I gotta tell you – save that crap for Alexander Graham Bell Assassination Re-enactment Day. The BLOG is ringing!!
Katharine runs in, holding a smoking gun.
Katharine: Is it the neighbors? I just shot their parrot.
Alex: Dammit, Katharine! He was the only one who knew my email password!!
Sabrina: (Looks at the tiny spaceman) We should probably wish them a Happy New Year or something. We’ve neglected the blog for a while.
Alex: What about the neighbors?
Katharine: Taken care of. I told you I just shot their parrot. Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me?
Sabrina: No, no. Not Jim Nabors and his wife, who coincidentally happen to be our neighbors. It’s time to wish our blog readers a Happy New Year.
Katharine: Taken care of. That was last year. I wrote a Haiku about it.
Sabrina: No. For this year.
Alex: AGAIN??? This happens every time I drink whiskey. WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?? (sings) Sunrise, sunset..sunrise sunset…
Katharine: You really need to stop blacking out. You miss so much. Also, people keep writing “Twat” on your forehead.
Alex: This pop stand blows. Let’s get in the time machine!!
Sabrina: But…but…(looks sadly at the spaceman, who has fallen asleep in the crook of her arm.)
Katharine runs out of the frame and returns with a Vita-Mix with a large pineapple sticking out of it.
Sabrina: We can’t all fit inside there! Tiny Spaceman, you’ll have to stay behind.
Tiny Spaceman: Mumble, mumble, fart, poop.
Alex: Good job Tiny Spaceman! That’s another Adam Sandler script in the can. Stay here and write us a Steve Guttenberg vehicle.
Sabrina: Enough jibber-jabbering! It’s time to go BACK! To the fu—(she begins violently coughing. Alex slaps her on the back and a dead parrot shoots out of her mouth. Somewhere, John Cleese rolls over in his cash-filled swimming pool.)
Katharine: (stroking the Vita-Mix time machine affectionately) I have complete faith that this will work.
Alex: That’s what I’m afraid of! Never tell me the odds! Yippy kai ay motherf— (Katharine slaps her.)
Katharine: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!
Sabrina covers the tiny spaceman’s eyes with her hand and gently carries him off-screen. She returns and the three ladies climb inside the blender, alongside the pineapple. Alex hooks the pineapple up to a computer, and the lights begin to flash. You put a bra on your head and press this link, as it disappears beneath your finger: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDe5Ckt4joQ The screen goes dark, and one-by-one all the lights in your house/coffee shop/office/train car/box of donuts go out. You sit in darkness, wondering what in the Heckleberry Finn you have gotten yourself into, when suddenly power is restored and your screen comes back on. The moonscape is gone. You are now watching the past, a New Year’s party in an old-timey wild west saloon. The date is December 31, 2011.
Alex: (Looks around) What a dump.
Katharine: I don’t think my spleen made it.
Sabrina: It did, but it’s over there, sitting on Mark Twain’s Melba toast.
The camera zooms out and reveals Mark Twain, Shania Twain and Damon Wayans standing in front of a poster of Dwayne Wayne, star of Michael Bay’s remake of Shane.
Mark Twain: All things change except barbers, the ways of barbers, and the surroundings of barbers. These never change.
He eats Katharine’s spleen.
Shania Twain: Men are like shoes! I ain’t got time for the flip flop kind.
Damon Wayans: I was 12 years old when I had my first job, delivering packages.
If you decide to follow Nostalgic Damon Wayans to the nearest UPS, turn to page 15. If you decide to suggest that Mark and Shania Twain are the same person, click this link: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Mark_Twain If you think politicians have become way too political, grab some poster board, the ghost of Andy Rooney, glitter glue, and make a sign about it, why don’t you? If your name has any vowels in it, continue enjoying this space blog.
Alex: This Western SUCKS. Where are all the floozies and sarsparilla?
Katharine: Ooh check out this trunk fulla junk!
Sabrina: EXCUSE ME? Just because a lady has a curvaceous derriere does NOT —
Katharine: Wha chu talkin’ bout, Brina? I was just pointing out this mysterious trunk full of Olde Tyme Western Wear I just found.
Alex: I call dibs on the chaps!!
Sabrina: I call the tiny spaceman! Wait, what’s the spaceman doing here? I thought we left him behind.
Katharine: Don’t question it; this is fantasy. And put a kerchief on that spaceman; he’s nude, and this is a family show.
Alex: Isn’t it New Year’s Eve? Sabrina, didn’t you and Don Rickles have a gig tonight?
Sabrina: Crap, you’re right. (turns to the blog audience) Thank you all for coming to the New Year’s Eve Friar’s Club roast of Kadeem Harrison. I would like to take this opportunity to share this eggnog recipe from the restaurant formerly known as St. Elsewhere with you:
6 eggs separated
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1.5 teaspoon vanilla
1 pint milk
1 pint cream
3 tablespoons white sugar
Beat the egg yolks with the brown sugar, salt and vanilla to the ribbon stage. Add the booze and the dairy and mix until incorporated. Set this mixture aside.
Whisk the egg whites with the white sugar to the medium-hard peak stage. When ready fold the egg whites into the boozy mixture. Season generously with freshly grated nutmeg. FRESHLY!
Allow this to sit for at least an hour or two to let the drink separate from the foam a little. Garnish with a pair of round flip glasses and shoulder pads. Enjoy!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large crowd begins to count down in unison. The Ladies of the Hatch throw on their Western wear, dress up Mark Twain as a saloon tranny floozie, and pose confidently against the flimsy backlot film set as flashbulbs pop and confetti cascades down upon them. There is a resounding cry of HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Ryan Seacrest makes out with a New York City cop and all is right with the world. Sabrina, Alex, and Katharine clink glasses of eggnog.
Sabrina: (leaning on the tiny spaceman’s rifle) God bless us, every one!
Alex: (through violent hiccups) It really is an (hic) anytime drink…Ann Jillian (hic) was right…(hic)
Katharine: Who’s the dude?
Sabrina and Alex: MARK TWAIIIIN!!
Katharine: Huh. He looks different in person.
First, the Good News: Everyone’s favorite antipodean rap travelogue, Suck It! was accepted to the 2011 Coney Island Film Festival! We’re already drunk on thoughts of red carpets, surfside cocktails, and sideshow naughtiness. If you’re in the NYC area September 23-25th, come on out – you know the words!
Now, the (Dwight) Gooden News: Just as the three suns had to align in The Dark Crystal before Bowie could wow the Muppets with his pants (magic pants), every so often the three ladies of the Hatch must come together in order to recharge their creative mojo. This weekend will witness the Grand Funk Reunion of Booby Hatch in the Heartland of America. Mayhem, baby fashion montages, and a few tee many martoonis, are bound to ensue.
We’ve got Goulet on speed-dial. Stay tuned.
…OH HEY! Hi, sorry. We were busy eating Cheetos. Anyway, after the wild popularity of our last behind-the-scenes post, we found some more cutting room footage from ‘The Audition’ that we thought you’d enjoy. So please do enjoy. And drop a comment in the nickel box on your way out.
Sabrina: This guy was great. He was the first, third and seventy-sixth person to answer our ad in Backstage. His reel included a clip from his high school graduation ceremony and two monologues from “The Basketball Diaries.” He wouldn’t eat anything but Cheetos during the shoot.
Kath: I want to lick his teeth. Wait, did I lick his teeth? Was that part of the audition?
Alex: You did and it was. Hey, “Hot Guy” needed to have good dental hygiene – those HD cameras pick up everything! (Except, sadly, for my uncanny resemblance to a young Lee Remick. Where’s THAT footage?)
Sabrina: This is so embarrassing. Alex and I had just challenged Rita Rudner and Wayne Brady to an Improv-off at the neighboring Fat Kids camp. Our singing might have annoyed the crew and gotten us in trouble with the police that night, but man it paid off in Fat Kid trophies that summer! Plus we saved the house, and we get to keep the sailboat!
Alex: That really was a great summer.
Kath: These ladies do not look amused. Was this first dinner at 10pm or second dinner at 3am?
Alex: Who cares? We got beat up both times.
Sabrina: Oh my goodness. Funny story this one. Well, we rented out the “audition room” from this club on the Lower East Side; it was sort of a theme club, if that’s what you would call it. Kind of a futuristic sexy pony jamboree or a glow-in-the dark lacrosse game type thing, I guess.
Alex: Sort of “Rhinestone Cowboy meets TRON” – Le Reow!!
Sabrina: Anyway, our DP ate too many Cheetos at the Kraft Services table and had to go home before we finished the shoot. Luckily, one of the table dancers went to film school and he was able to jump behind the camera for the last few shots! Thanks, Ricky! We owe you big time. xoxox
Sabrina: I have no idea who these people are. Hey! Click on the word Cheetos. Now find the someone you love. Make them click on it too. Now have a conversation! Ha ha ha ha! You’re cooking with sauce! xoxoxo
Kath: I think it should be mentioned that this was taken after an all-night into the wee-morning, “let’s go get brunch since places are now open again” video shoot.
Alex: True. We had just finished filming the big musical finale with Bill Murray (which was cut from the final version due to Kath’s inappropriate hand gestures.) Someone had slipped me some horse steroids to keep me going through multiple takes of the tap dance number, and I was hungry enough to say ANYTHING for some pancakes and a mimosa. (Actually, that’s true even without the horse steroids.)
Sabrina: Two words: Horse Steroid Withdrawal.
Alex: That’s three words.
Sabrina: SHUT UP AND GET ME SOME HORSE STEROIDS!!
…Uh, yeah! Hi again readers. Aren’t you glad we didn’t save those gems for the DVD extras?? Wait don’t answer that.
We’re not going to assume anything here, but we’re pretty sure that if you’ve been keeping up with the Joneses, you have a computer and a bunch of free time on your hands. And, it’s not like we’re tracking your hits to our website or Facebook page or anything (Hi Jim), but we totally know that you like to sit and look at pictures of us sometimes. Maybe you even let your mind wander and try to imagine what was going on in some of the shots? A few of you may have even signed up for a class at the Learning Annex and are working on some short stories based on them. Well, step away from that there imagination, friends, because we are about to give you the true, behind-the scenes story…
Sabrina: All I can say is that this kid is everything I want to be. If I do a decent job with this life, perhaps I will be reincarnated as this kid. Check him out. He has some kind of onesie superhero costume going on, complete with a padded six-pack, a Freddie mask, a Zorro sword, and reasonable shoes. If he is not my hero, his mother sure is. The best thing? The thing you don’t know? This kid was growling when we took this picture. He had this low, consistent, wolf-growl going for about three minutes. We told him that this picture was of him “protecting” us, and he just knew what to do. You can’t make me stop loving this kid. Just try. Just you try. That kid will show up and karate chop you in the balls.
Katharine: Yah, I didn’t want to work with the kid at first. I mean, his mother was standing just out of frame. Such a Stage Mother too! Here she is enjoying a lovely sunny day when three freezing (it was early March) obviously crazy ladies come traipsing by and demand that they take her child. And she said yes! What a demanding diva! The boy? We’ve been dating for six months now.
Alex: All true. But this kind of stuff happens to us all the time: we were just minding our own Weewax, being fabulous in Brooklyn (as we do), when this pocket-sized Jason/ penguin/ Inigo Montoya approaches us, growling. We immediately recognized his high-Q potential and asked if we could pose seductively behind him. I was surprised that his Mom said yes so quickly! I was even more surprised when he said yes to a date with Katharine. When she gets out of jail we’re holding a little reunion at the Outback Steakhouse.
WHERE IS THE FOOD?
THAT’S NOT OUR FOOD, SILLY!
Sabrina: All I can say is that this pizza guy is everything I want to be. If I do a decent job with this life, perhaps I will be reincarnated as this pizza guy. I mean, are you kidding me?? Check him out. This sweet man was trying to deliver a pizza, and three crazy ladies in formal wear show up and assault him verbally. “What’s in that box?” they demand. “It smells like pizza!” they accuse. This Zen warrior is unfazed. His smile is like a butterfly on a raindrop, even when it appears that he has been screwed over by the nerdy guy who didn’t tip him and that strange women are trying to do prop improvisation with his bicycle . His heartbeat murmurs “all will be well,” and, as soon as his detachment kisses the face of the universe, the door immediately pops open and Professor Nerdington remembers to hand him a tip. The butterfly’s wings flutter gently in the wind as the pizza guy reaches over our mugging faces and takes his three dollars. The universe makes sense, especially when it doesn’t make sense, see?
Katharine: Typical New York City. No one blinks an eye at yet another photo shoot being done on top of their bicycle. Another day, another dollar that isn’t worth crazy people running up to you and posing with your transportation. The least we could have done is bridge the gap and hand the dude his tip. Did we? No! Because it would have ruined the shot. Dammit people, you have to understand that when opportunity knocks, only the strong and demented survive.
Alex: The guy in the hoodie is my biological father. I THOUGHT WE AGREED NOT TO USE THIS PICTURE!!
THE AUDITION: A Totally High-Tech Video Shoot
Sabrina: All I can say is that this director is everything I want to be. If I do a decent job with this life, perhaps I will be reincarnated as Lila. Check her out. She has turned a Broom into a BOOM with an exclamation point. And she is able to hold it steady as that hot guy unbuttons his shirt. That’s the way–uh huh, uh huh, I like it!!! Also, who was that hot guy? Did anyone get his number? Ring-a-ding! Soup’s on!!!
Katharine: This is an example of why I love being involved in video production. At no point did anyone sit and cry out “Why couldn’t we find a sound person?!” Ok, well maybe that one person asked. But she was a jerk. The rest of us decided to work as a team! When we realized we could not mic a stripping man, we got to problem solving. We put our heads together and looked at Lila for an answer. Lila, the ukulele playing super director, didn’t sit in her non-existent director’s chair and let everything fall apart. NO! At 4AM, her arm and the friggin broom were going to be the best sound capturer in the history of sound capturing! Hizzah!
Alex: Ah yes, this old chestnut. The old “tape a mic to a broom” sound-recording technique. It’s how I do all my audio surveillance, except that I cleverly disguise the broom handle in the sleeve of a veeeeeeery large trench coat (what? I used to be a Little Rascal we were always getting into hilarious scrapes!) I’m just glad those wacky adventures finally came in handy at the business end of a night shoot, when we were all out of bourbon and good ideas. Let’s hear it for American ingenuity!!
There it is. You’re welcome.
So, now, true believers, it’s YOUR TURN. Come up with a story for this shot and win a prize. You can’t win if you don’t enter! We’ll reveal the true story in next month’s BH blog, so, until then, keep stalking!
Hello and thank you for joining me. I’m Hoyt Bobach and welcome to “Get the Fax!”, the only news show powered exclusively by obsolete technology.
Tonight I have the special pleasure of sharing with you a conversation with the ladies of Booby Hatch, conducted via carrier-pigeon messages, Morse code, and semaphore.
Hoyte Bobach: First things first, who are you? Please try to describe yourselves physically because all women are the same on the inside. Also, try not to talk too much about your feelings, because all women talk too much about their feelings. Oh, and also, if any of you have your periods–
Sabrina: Newt…do you mind if I call you Newt?
HB: Well…my name is Hoyt.
Sabrina: That’s not what I asked. Look, Newt. Little known fact if you haven’t dated me: I ALWAYS have my period. And that, I guess, is how I would describe me. “Sabrina? Oh yeah, the one who ALWAYS has her period.” Oh, and I like raisins. Yep. I think that pretty much sums it up. Sabrina. Period. Raisins. Oh, and since you asked, those things make me feel like my pop-pop didn’t love me enough, and that makes me want to read “To the Lighthouse” again. Out loud.
(Sabrina begins rummaging through a large bag of tampons. She pulls out a tattered book and begins leafing through it. Katharine takes the book out of her hands and tosses it through a window.)
Katharine: Don’t mind Sabrina, she has her period. Who am I, you ask? Whoooo aaaam I? Good question, but irrelevant. You see us as you want to see us… In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…and an athlete…and a basket case …a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question? If not, I’m the redhead.
Alex: …and I’m the drunk. I mean Judd Nelson. I mean Charles Nelson Reilly. I mean a King Charles Spaniel: loyal, flat-faced, and luxuriously furred.
HB: How did you come together as a group?
Sabrina: Newt, I don’t know if you’ve heard of esteemed guru Mordecai “Gravy Stains” Humunculus, but he has a saying: “All you need to do is make waffles and wait.” Well, I don’t always know what things mean or if they’re good ideas, but that never stops me from blindly committing to them. So for about three years, I just stayed home and made waffles. Sometimes I took a break and watched the TV. Finally, one cold Sunday in the January of 2009, my doorbell rang. It was Alex. She was drunk. Then Katharine showed up with something in a paper bag. I knew that my ship had finally come in.
Kath: I had taken the N train from Queens (I had not moved to Brooklyn yet) and transferred to the G. I then got champagne for mimosa. I believe I was wearing a hat. At Sabrina’s house we had brunch, drinks and wrote five episodes for a sketch television show. Alex was drunk. But don’t tell her that.
Alex: I was drunk. but since no one told me, I went ahead and drove a tractor to Sabrina’s apartment. Thousands were killed, but the poppy fields of Brooklyn have never been so well-tilled. Everything has trade-offs. And can you blame me? I SMELLED WAFFLES. But seriously, I the real truth is that we were assembled by Lou Pearlman like a Lady Menudo. Once our testicles drop we’re out of the band.
HB: Who are your influences and what is your favorite sketch?
Sabrina: The book “A Wrinkle in Time” really stuck with me…um…what else? Mr. Show, Kids in the Hall, Tim and Eric, old SNL stuff. OLD. Favorite sketch? That’s hard. That’s like asking me to pick which of my kids is my favorite. Um. “The Audition” is up there. Oh, I should probably list some women too, huh? Yes, yes, funny women. Maria Bamford makes me laugh a lot. “The Maria Bamford Show” was really great and scary. That’s the kind of thing I go for: funny and disturbing. Oh, I saw this great Murderfist sketch live at UCB. It was about the devil and candy and suicide and was just so disturbing that it was hilarious. That one’s up there. I just don’t know the name of it.
Alex: Hmmm, Kids in the Hall and Mr. Show for me too, plus The Ben Stiller Show…and because of my dark English roots I gotta go with French & Saunders and Benny Hill – yep, there I said it. Kath and Sabrina are always “reminding” me that not every sketch has to end with a Yakety Sax bikini chase. In the event that I was ever kidnapped by Mitchell and Webb or The Mighty Boosh…well let’s just say I wouldn’t struggle. And I’d bring snacks for everyone.
Kath: Kids in the Hall, Monty Python, SCTV and early SNL influenced my desire to do sketch comedy. Television shows like Police Squad, The Young Ones, Mr. Bean, MST3K and later Mr. Show, Arrested Development and Spaced all tickled me in my funny privates. Parodying Jodie Foster in Nell kept me entertained… I quote the movie Anchorman more than any person really should… What was the question?
Sabrina: Did I mention that I want to take Tina Fey to the prom? If she says no, I would consider taking Katharine doing her Nell impersonation.
HB: Speaking of Tina Fey, did any of you see the last episode of 30 Rock? What did you think?
Sabrina: I don’t know what to think. At first I was excited that they were addressing the fact that “The Girly Show” is primarily written by men and only has one female character, which makes it somewhat similar to 30 Rock, but then I wasn’t sure where they went with it. I think Tina Fey was acknowledging something about the situation and making fun of herself, but I’m not sure what thoughts about women in comedy I was supposed to come away with (if any).
Kath: I too had some good hopes for this episode only to be left with a fizzly fart at the end. I feel like NBC decided that the topic of “women” should be lumped into one episode just to get it over with. The writers had to figure out how to smoosh ‘women are not well represented in comedy’, ‘women are judgmental of each other’, ‘men like sexy woman’ and ‘stalking’ all in one bow wrapped 30 minutes. This said, I don’t think 30 Rock is around to be an educational tool for a sociology class. It is just a TV show. However, if they are going to attempt to discuss a hot button topic (at least to some of us gals in comedy), try to at least have a point or an ending. Or hire another woman.
Sabrina: I agree. It was weird and fizzle-farty. And does anyone know why the “girl writer” character has a creepy Eastern European accent? And now she’s gay? Was she always gay? Who is she and why does she hardly ever speak? I am confused.
Alex: I just keep waiting for them to give her some lines besides the occasional “yergen fjurgen?” It is kind of creepy the way she’s always lurking in the background of shots of the writers room. And I thought she was Swedish. I adore 30 Rock though. I still think it’s got the goods. If Tina Fey goes to the prom with Sabrina I’m gonna show up drunk and knock over the punchbowl table.
HB: What animal best represents your personality?
Alex: Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl.
Katharine: Friendly’s Wattamelon Roll.
HB: Name your favorite movie and how many times you have watched it.
Alex: Shit. You’re gonna make me get all sappy and ruin my street cred. Fine. My favorite movies are The Apartment and The Graduate. They both have great hair, snappy dialogue, and I will always be in love with Jack Lemmon in the sixties. I’ve probably watched both of those a hunnerd times or more (yep that’s a number, look it up Poindexter!) Movies without Jack Lemmon or a Simon & Garfunkel soundtrack that I like are Wet Hot American Summer, Young Frankenstein, and The Impostors – which could all be filed under “highlights from the comedy geek cannon.”
Kath: The Star Wars movies and I have no idea how many times I have watched them. However, I do believe they should be watched in this order, please take notes:
IV:A New Hope, (The introduction to our heroes and their plight against the Empire.)
V: The Empire Strikes Back, (love, struggle and revelations…The prrrfect movie.)
After you hear, [SPOILER] “Luke I am your father” go back to the beginning of the saga and learn about the start of the Empire and Vader… but watch in fast forward.
I: The Phantom Menace, (Unless you are a child, only view pod race and fight scene.),
II: Attack of the Clones, (Unless you are a child, only fight scenes, if that),
III: Revenge of the Sith, (I personally like this movie enough to watch the entire thing, but I know I’m in the minority. So have your finger hovering on fast-forward.)
Then jump in time and see Luke and Vader face off (literally)
VI: Return of the Jedi, (Close your eyes at the end during the bonfire if you are watching the special editions.)
Ahhhhhhh….pure magic. For those of you who have heard me rant about this before. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it biznaches! I also like the movie The Notebook. That is a lie.
Sabrina: Have you heard Patton Oswalt’s bit about killing George Lucas with a shovel? Good stuff. Yeah, the Star Wars was big for me too, but “favorite” movie? I would have to say Cocoon. Seen it 67 times, and it just keeps getting funnier. I’m kidding. The Brimley makes me nervous. I guess I would say Groundhog Day. It’s just kind of perfect. I like Royal Tennenbaums too. Bill Murray is, of course, in both. Oh, and how do you not love Ghostbusters? I’ll take “Murray” for 600, please.
HB: What else do you like?
Kath: CHEESE! Sorry, cheese. I like cheese.
Alex: Kittens, vodka, and judging people based on their subway etiquette.
Sabrina: I believe I answered this one already, Newt. It starts with a famous blind singer who is not Stevie Wonder, subtract the “new boy in the neighborhood” who is “in Charge,” and end with the reason that people go to hell.
Kath: I think Sabrina is having a stroke…
Sabrina: Is someone making toast? Oof. Hand me Newt’s wallet, Kath. I need something to bite down on.
HB: Do you mind if I call you later?
Sabrina: No way, Newt. That’s not my name.
Kath: Are you threatening me?
Alex: Would you like me to seduce you? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
Kath: That’s not what I asked.