First of all,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Sabrina falls down a shaft, screaming and thrashing as Russell Brand throws up on her childhood memories)
Okay, I’m sorry. It’s a Tuesday. It’s early. For me. That means before noon. Perhaps we are all a little slow today. Let me just make this clear to everyone.
Firstly, watch this:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT BURNS!!!
I don’t know know why I draw the line here, but this is where I draw the line. Eighties remakes make me wonder why, but I never get too crazy over them. I had my eighties. You can’t take that away from me. Up until this point, I have been very good at just avoiding them. Karate Kid with Will Smith’s son? Okay. I’m never going to see it. A-Team? Whatever. Go ahead. Make it a musical while you’re at it. I won’t be there. Clash of the Titans? Fine. You know what? You got me. I watched that one. But it was on HBO, and my remote wasn’t working. Plus, it just gave me the opportunity to engage in one of my favorite activities, yelling at the TV while my husband looks uncomfortable.
So, why am I so mad when I walk past these Arthur posters on the subway?
Is it that I LOVE the original Arthur with Dudley Moore? No. I do not. I like that Christopher Cross song a lot. I remember my mom’s ex-boyfriend, the one with the jean jacket, singing it while he made grilled cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven. But other than that, it’s not the most well-constructed movie I have ever seen. Mostly, I just sit and yell at the screen. I question how Arthur knows that he loves Liza Minnelli after one shoplifting run-in at Nordstrom’s and one crappy date. I repeatedly say that I “can’t beeeeeeeeee-lieve” that she wants to marry an alcoholic with no life skills, a man who knocks at her door at three in the morning and parks on her front lawn. When the only conflict in the entire movie is magically resolved for no reason other than the need for a happy ending under the credits, I mumble something about my ass and go into the kitchen for a bowl of brownies. (That said, I do love me some John Gielgud. That man is a genius. And the fact that he makes an appearance as the butler’s ghost in Arthur 2? BRILLIANT!!! Yes, yes, and MORE yes. All that classical training FINALLY paid off, sir.)
So, is it that I HATE Russell Brand? No, I do not. I even read his book. Yes, THE WHOLE BOOK. Well, okay, MOST of the book. At least half of it anyway. And I’ve been known to sit through an hour of his stand up without changing the channel, promising everyone else in the room (AKA, my husband) that “it’s gonna get better.” I mean, I really liked him in that Paul Rudd movie, you know, the one with the surfer that was Paul Rudd, and some other guys did something with a girl or something. Brand seemed pretty convincing as the substance-abusing, narcissistic guy in really tight pants. SOLD.
So, why exactly am I so mad?
Because, COME ON!!!! COOOOOOOOOOOOOME ON. Really, Hollywood? Have you gotten THAT lazy? ARTHUR???? It wasn’t a movie in the first place. It was just Dudley Moore dinking around on a piano and coming up with jokes like:
LADY: Take my hand, Arthur.
ARTHUR: But that would leave you with one.
And that was fine. FINE!! Worth a remake? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Put it down!!!
I just like to imagine these writing rooms and pitch meetings. I don’t get it. Do writers just pick up a People magazine in the waiting room and wing it? Is EVERYBODY stoned?
“Um…let’s see here…well, it’s Goonies, see? But with Justin Bieber and Hilary Duff!! Or, um, wait, hold on. It’s, um…well, see…it’s The Toy, but with Jack Black!”
I give up. I turn this blog over to my husband to finish. I am going to look for brownies.
Oh…yes…well hello there. You must be Sabrina’s blog followers. I see. Well, she seems to have shuffled off to the kitchenette to find herself a little treat. Sweetums just loves her treats. Gosh, I suppose I should take this opportunity to thank you all for the unwavering support you provide for our family. With the money Sabrina has made from this blog, we have set aside a generous college fund for our five children. I had no idea bloggery was such a lucrative business. Heck, gang, I better skedaddle. Sweetums went and got her fist stuck in the peanut butter jar again. May God bless your journey. Toodle oo.