Monkey Burns
My husband’s said it before, and I’ll say it again and take credit for it: “George Burns looks like a chimp.”
I started off wanting to write about the fact that I have skipped turning into my mother and have directly passed into turning into my grandfather, but that just led me very quickly to the realization that old people look like monkeys, and that is way funnier than stories about me looking at fancy mobiles and bookshelves in a Martha Stewart magazine and yelling, “$2,500?? For what? Get me a piece of wood, a table saw and some green paint! I’ll make it for ten bucks!” WAY FUNNIER. (Although, a video of me trying to make a bookcase that looks like a tree would probably be a Youtube sensation, especially if I dressed up like a chimp who was dressed up like George Burns while doing it) Oh, say, while I’m off topic, there are some outtakes from a How-To series I did where I pretend to get electrocuted and do spit takes and fall down a lot. I was trying my best to bring a little Chevy Chase to about.com, but the producer was apparently more interested in teaching skills or some other kind of malarkey. I wish I had copies to post here, but the closest thing I can give you is a link to a video where I will teach you how to load a dishwasher. That’s right, you’ve been struggling all these years with those wine glasses when help is just a click away. Wait. Don’t watch that. It’s only funny if you know me and want to taunt me. Oh. I see. Okay then, carry on.
Anyway, back to the Burns. I mean, look:
That’s no chimp! Sure, he’s mugging enough to get locked up by the NYPD, but he definitely looks human. Then, suddenly, eighty comes, and it’s like evolution in reverse:
Give that man a banana and a tux! I think he’s about to sing “Eighteen Again.”
Oh, and speaking of dressed up monkeys, whatever happened to Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp? Now that was a TV show! I dare you not to spend the rest of the day on Youtube watching his monkey-hijinks! How did American TV audiences give up on chimps so quickly? Did we run out of chimps? Too many chimps eating faces? What happened????
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, oh yes. GEORGE BURNS LOOKED LIKE A MONKEY!!! But it’s not just George. It’s all old men. ALL OF THEM. Here’s proof. It’s another old man who looks like a monkey:
And another one:
Case closed. Old men become monkeys. I just wish I had realized this in time for my eighth-grade science fair.
And what do old women become? I thought that all old people became monkeys, but further investigation (a GOOGLE search!) revealed that women turn into shrunken apples when they get old.
What now? Why is that fair? I’d rather be a monkey than a wrinkly apple!! Darn you, original sin! First we get periods, then we deal with childbirth, and our final reward is that we turn into apples?!?!? Is there someone in customer service I can talk to about this? 1-800-BAD-DEAL?
Jeez. This is really going to mess up all of my fancy “getting old” plans. I was really looking forward to looking like a monkey and yelling at waiters for not putting enough water in my tea cup. What do shrunken apples even do? I guess I could mumble or bake children into pies, but that doesn’t seem half as fun as shrieking and throwing my own poop. Maybe I could be the first ninety year-old woman to get a sex change?
Ah, hang on. Further investi-google searching has revealed that the answer isn’t so complicated. It’s as easy as going on ehow and stopping by Duane Reade!!! WHEEEE-HA!! Next stop: Monkeyfacetown.
Stay tuned for next month’s post: “Why is Pottery Barn stalking me? I only looked at Star Wars sheets that ONE time.”
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